OVER

So its been over a year since my last post and a ton has changed.

I've been back in the stated for a year and I miss being abroad terribly! I cant wait to go back, every chance I get I look up flights hoping, in vain, that I will find one that is over break and affordable. I'll keep looking...

School is still in full swing. I have officially been accepted into the masters program at Drexel for Psychology although I haven't handed in the paperwork. I am really excited for my undergrad work to be over. Also I am stressing over the GRE's and firming up what exactly I am going to tackle for my masters thesis. Ugh, a few more things that I want to be over and done with.

My coop in half way over, I am working at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, which is the #1 children's hospital in the country. That fact alone is incredible and it will look phenomenal on my resume, however my job can become a bit tiresome. I am the rehabilitation assistant, and mainly work with brain and spinal cord injured children. However, I do a lot of administrative work and not so much with the patients as I would like. I am working on getting more involved with patient care but there is only so much I can do because I am still a student and not trained in any one thing and also there are a lot of confidentiality laws in place to protect the patients so that makes it even harder to learn more than the preliminary stuff. Although, I am learning a lot and really wouldn't trade this job for any other I wish there was more I can do.

I think this is the final over topic: My boyfriend (lets call him H) and I are totally over. To be completely honest I am totally distraught over this but I am sure I will get over it. H and I took a while to actually break it off and I think that's why I am still hurting over this. Lets go waaaaay back: we started seeing each other in September of '05 and at first it was more of a friend thing but when we realized that we both wanted more it developed rather quickly. There were times in the beginning that i wasn't sure if we were compatible because we had different beliefs and lifestyles but I thought it could really work because he was a great guy and I vowed to not push him away because of our differences.

Fast forward a few moths, I thought we were completely in love but as it turns out I was completely in love. I don't want to sound pathetic or like this damsel that needed saving from the big, bad world because it wasn't like that, but I was going through a lot of personal development and he was this older guy who presented as so sure of himself and that, to me, was so attractive.

Anyway, a little over 6 months into our relationship, things were going well but i was accepted into a study abroad program in London and being an experience of a lifetime, I accepted. Save a few days at the 2, and 4 month mark, we were 3000 miles apart and separated by an ocean for 6 months. It doesn't sound like a hell of a long time but to put it into context, we were just getting to know each other; we spent the same amount of time together as we did apart in the very critical 1st year of our relationship. I often wonder if we should have taken a break or broken up while I was abroad and if this would have helped our relationship at all. While I was away, we did 'break up' but a) it wasn't something I really wanted at the time and b) saying that we were broken up, didn't really change anything between us because being so far apart all we did was talk on the phone and email each other all the time and during the short time we were 'broken up' that didn't change. So we ended up getting back together.

When I returned from London in January, I was definitely a bit different than when i left; I expected that, but I wasn't sure how I would change or how it would effect my life when I returned to it. Anyway, when I got back, suffice it to say it was a bit awkward at first but we did a really good job of getting through that. I thought we were doing really well from February until September. However in that time, looking back I think, we were learning more and more about our different beliefs, life-plans, habits lifestyles as well as learning more about ourselves and what we want. Also, we were arguing a bit more than we should have been and it was getting harder and harder for me to talk to him. And we really didn’t spend a whole lot of time together over the summer, even though I was always around, because I was taking a very heavy course load and was always doing school work. To add fuel to the fire, we have different ways of resolving our problems and I think that was also creating tension between us. Although then, I thought we could get through it and didn’t think it was grounds for a break up because every relationship has rough patches.

In October, H broke my heart. After 2 years and thousands of miles together, he ended it. He said it was because he wanted to be free to explore job options in other places and that he didn’t truly see a future with me. I was miserable… for the weekend. Not even a week later, we started hanging out and it felt as though things between us hadn’t changed much and I took it as his decision to not follow through with breaking up with me. I was happy and really trying to make ‘us’ work. In hindsight, if we wanted to make it work we should have talked about what happened but we didn’t, I was too afraid that if I brought it up, id hear exactly what I was avoiding: that he Really did want to end things. So I avoided it, but eventually it was necessary, it was probably late November that we had a fight and talked about what was going on between us. He seemed upset that things between us weren’t working out but didn’t really seem to want to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him. We agreed that we should just be friends and not be intimate because it complicates things and hinders the development of a healthy friendship. This time he said that he couldn’t stand the ‘lies’ I told. I just want to say that I don’t lie. I don’t always remember things that happen and I don’t always agree with how HE remembered things; that is what he took as my ‘lying’ to him and this made him unable to trust me. I tried to explain that our memory is lousy and that it’s really always up for interpretation and I couldnt understand how he could get mad at me for not remembering or not remembering exactly how he remembered. I thought it was a lousy excuse but I know it really bothered him.

A few days later, December 7th to be precise, we got a few drinks in us and we kissed; it was wonderful. At that point, I had wanted nothing more than to be with H. Ridiculous I know, I am this strong, independent, intelligent, great woman and all I wanted was a man, ugh could I have been more pathetic?! Way for me to regress about 50 years in the progression of womankind. Anyway, I really saw us as being successful this time. We were happy, arguing less and less, able to discuss our differences without getting worked up and were spending real time together. It was working…

Until a few days before new years eve. This one’s a doozy. I was trying to figure out our plans for the night, we were invited to 2 separate parties and he had to work until 10:30ish. I figured, I could go to the first party alone and meet him later at the next party after he got out of work. I asked him if he wanted me to meet him at his friends and he was so indifferent about it, it really made me feel like he didn’t even care about me. He was like come, don’t come doesn’t matter. And when I asked if he wanted me there he said he didn’t matter to him. Wow, I was so taken aback he didn’t care if I was there?! Great, so essentially I felt that he DIDN’T want me there. I don’t know if that’s the truth but that was certainly my interpretation of things and the fact that he didn’t actively want me there with him, confirmed that idea for me. So around 11pm, I called H and was like hey, just wanted to see where you were at and if you made it to the party and whatnot. Again, I suggested that we meet up later that evening (after midnight, so I wasn’t in a taxi alone when the ball dropped) and he was still totally indifferent to me being there. That hurt like a knife thru the heart. I spent my New Year’s celebration alone and was probably the only person who didn’t have a date for new years. I decided that moment, that I was done with his bull. I couldn’t stand being constantly toyed with.

1/1/08: I was bringing the New Year right! I packed all of his things and dropped them off at his house along with a letter expressing my love and giving him one last chance to make it right between us. He was done too, he didn’t like that I was messy - I am and I knew this bothered him but I thought id get better or he’d get over it, that I ‘lie’ all the time, that we argued all the time – which I recently thought we were getting better at but I guess not in his eyes.

Anyway, we are over for good this time. Honestly, I still love him but I guess sometimes that’s really not enough. I deserve someone who takes me for who I am, a messy vegetarian (another thing I forgot to mention that I am sure bothered H) who’s memory might work a little differently than someone else. I am sure there is someone out there for me!

I know that was long but its all my over stories and that one is now OVER...

Off like a dirty shirt!