ugh... or something like it - Part 2

ok so, i want to go back to what I was sayin about Mike.
... so the last time he and I spoke seriously about our situation we decided that we are just friends with lingering feelings and that we will play-it-by-ear come fall and we're back in Philly.

Ugh, whats the point of loving someone or them loving me if it is to no consequence. If we arent together or wont admit to anyone else that the feelings are there? Like I hate this - I am censoring myself. I have no idea what changed so dramatically in less than 2 weeks. I mean my feelings havent changed and I cant get them to nor can I just forget- granted we had problems but is there a relationship that doesnt? No. We were so compatible.

This is like a horrible crush. One where I the big nerd is crushing on the popular guy that I totally cant get. One where I get butterflies anytime I see him. And one where my best friend told him that all about how I feel and he heard it and knows and then pretends to feel the same way. But THEN he runs and tells his friends and they laugh all about it and at mee together. I absolutly tears my heart in 2. But its infinatley worse because with this crush it would only be a one time thing but with my life every morning I wake up and I feel like that girl being laughed at by all the popular guys in school, and not only in the morning - anytime I see a couple, and anytime my phone rings, and anytime i hear specific songs, and whenever i am in bed awake. Its all the time - a constant pain in my heart away from you, missing you wanting you and then knowing that I cant have you, and prolly never will again.
Oh the times that we've had. The great things weve shared.

well im all out like a new release starring tom.
<3 Marilys